what have I become ?



life is no longer about dreaming and reaching for the sky, it is about living and experiencing here and now. Nothing else. I truly did not know how to live, how to actually have fun and get something out of life. For a very long time I was floating and not really moving on or anything close to that. In other words I was stuck but not giving up. I was always reaching and trying, but it never worked out. I still try and fail all the time but I am finally moving on and letting go.

I do not want you to think in any way that it has been easy, it is still hard and a work in progress. To live is brutal and euphoria all at once. In order to move on and letting go I had to dig deep, use a lot of time thinking about why, how and what I should and should not do. I found what works for me. I need my quiet nights with time to do things that I like, for example me writing this right now is very much taken up by this evening time. self care is so important not just physical, but also mentally. Get out move your body and just do it not overthink it, have you ever regretted going outside and into nature or a gym class ? I have not. I was at one point in my life doing so many things that everyone else wanted me to do, that I did not longer have any time for the things I wanted to do. I dont think that is healthy for anyone. Please find a balance and fit in self care time or just me time in your schedule.

Routines are important and also what you put in your body, sugar is scary. For me sugar was comfort and it still is sometimes but I am as I said a work progress and so are you, we all are. Remember that you have time and stress does not help you anywhere so stay calm and take a few deep breaths. Whenever I feel a wave of stress I like to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.

Clean even if you dont think it will help you, it will. You can properly relax knowing you have done all the cleaning, stop procrastinating. Do it, take control of your life. what do you want for yourself ? find out what you need to do to get there and work your way up there. Set goals for yourself not boundaries. I have learnt so much the past 8 years that I feel quite wise already. I am 20 years old and I have become the boss of my own life again.52977010_417126585690872_1672628073729622016_n








should I change?

My brain is a mush, a mush of all the emotions there is. There is so many things that I look back on now that I should have done differently, I´ve been mad and frustrated all week and for what reason?

People can be to much, and people can do things that is just to much for me or anyone to handle. I feel like I have been the person that does to much, and is to much for anyone to handle. I have so much going on in my head and its all playing on repeat. where else would the thoughts and inner battles go but out of my mouth. My big mouth is to big, that now even I can see and feel it. I´m glad though, that I can see it now, cause that makes me learn in order to change. I dont want to be that person to complain and be a big mouth. This is not me. I dont want to be that person. I want to be a person that can be trusted, have compassion and be positive. how can I change that? what could make me, me again. More sleep, be more aware of what really is coming out of my mouth and out into the open. Yeah that sounds about right, when will I have the time to make all these things happen? Hopefully somewhere in the future.


Friends I Dont Call Friends Anymore

Humans can be wonderful and nice but also incredibly mean. How people manage to do such horrible things, I dont understand

There comes a time when you cant forgive a person anymore, where you sit down and realize that, this is going to happen again. I`m going to sit in this very spot on my bed. Feeling this disappointed, again. Instead of keeping this endless painful circle up, face it! even though you feel like the meanest b*** in town, do it. Stand up for yourself and say that this is not a good relationship, I deserve to be treated better. There is nothing better then to find it in yourself to let go of those people. The people that think it is okey to not think twice before acting or dont manage think of another person than themselves before acting.

Keep your head up and be proud of yourself, you deserve that







pink skies

skies are pink

 sky is blue

what am i supposed to do

windy the wind are you there?

 could use you here

skies so blue

blue blue blue

whirl windy, whirl

make a stir

nothing like before


pink skies

make cherry pies


when, will it ever?

I dont feel normal. I feel like a real outsider, even when I`m ​with the best of friends that I have ever had. why is it like this ? I feel awkward when I`m enjoying myself a bit, and when I try to say something i feel like no one understands or hear me. I feel like a wallpaper.


This blog has for sure become my journal , I feel the need to express myself sometimes. This is where that happens. Im currently drunk while writing this by the way. Okey back to the point of this, I´m so tired of feeling like a wallpaper. The problem is; I dont know how to not be one. Even alcohol does not change that, I dont know what or if I will ever change.

Is this a sign, that i will never figure out life? or is it a sign that i should keep going ?

I´m so tired of trying.

I want to give up, and make it all go away

But at the same time

I feel like pushing through

should I , I should i not ….

everyone make sit seem so easy

to live

Its fucking awful

and beautiful

I cant tell people in real life that I´m tired

I already know what they will say

I dont want to hear it


I´m scared




Happiness #1

Hello reader !

right now I feel useless, numb and tired all the time. In other words I am in desperate need of something that can bring me some happy emotions, but what gives me the happy emotions these days ?

The thing is that my mood is on a constant rollercoaster journeys, I mean proper dancing in the kitchen happy to lying in bed and cant pull up a smile crazy. How did it even get this bad? I recognize a depression when i get it, this is it.  But there is something else, I can´t quite put my finger on what but i know there is. When I´m social, I use all my energy on using all my emotions and words. Which results in me being dead for days after a girls night or a work day. Basically I use all my energy on looking good in front of my friends, but its getting hard even doing that now. that scares me. I have no idea why I´m even writing this down, well yeah I do… Im so bad at expressing myself or telling people about how I feel. I`d rather write about it so i can properly explain it.

where do I go from here ? where do anyone go from clearly depressed to feeling happy? what creates happy feelings in me? a hug from someone who cares? writing? There is an endless list of this processing through my mind every singel day. how can I make myself feel happy so that I can enjoy life a bit more. Cause right now I will admit life it pretty poop. I want to push myself more, brake down my barriers. Why you ask, simple. So that I can be more carefree of others. So I can color my hair in crazy colors that makes me smile again. I think I just told you what I need to do, to make feel the tingles of life again.

So there you have it, my new project!


The thing with me is that I always start projects and never finish them, thats my thing. I dont want that to be my thing anymore. I want to be able to feel good about myself , walk in the mall without feeling everyone laughing at me, going to a cafe alone to read or write. Be more independent !