should I change?

My brain is a mush, a mush of all the emotions there is. There is so many things that I look back on now that I should have done differently, I´ve been mad and frustrated all week and for what reason?

People can be to much, and people can do things that is just to much for me or anyone to handle. I feel like I have been the person that does to much, and is to much for anyone to handle. I have so much going on in my head and its all playing on repeat. where else would the thoughts and inner battles go but out of my mouth. My big mouth is to big, that now even I can see and feel it. I´m glad though, that I can see it now, cause that makes me learn in order to change. I dont want to be that person to complain and be a big mouth. This is not me. I dont want to be that person. I want to be a person that can be trusted, have compassion and be positive. how can I change that? what could make me, me again. More sleep, be more aware of what really is coming out of my mouth and out into the open. Yeah that sounds about right, when will I have the time to make all these things happen? Hopefully somewhere in the future.

 

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Friends I Dont Call Friends Anymore

Humans can be wonderful and nice but also incredibly mean. How people manage to do such horrible things, I dont understand

There comes a time when you cant forgive a person anymore, where you sit down and realize that, this is going to happen again. I`m going to sit in this very spot on my bed. Feeling this disappointed, again. Instead of keeping this endless painful circle up, face it! even though you feel like the meanest b*** in town, do it. Stand up for yourself and say that this is not a good relationship, I deserve to be treated better. There is nothing better then to find it in yourself to let go of those people. The people that think it is okey to not think twice before acting or dont manage think of another person than themselves before acting.

Keep your head up and be proud of yourself, you deserve that

 

 

xoxo

Sandra

 

 

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pink skies

skies are pink

 sky is blue

what am i supposed to do

windy the wind are you there?

 could use you here

skies so blue

blue blue blue

whirl windy, whirl

make a stir

nothing like before

extraordinaire

pink skies

make cherry pies

IMG_1689

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when, will it ever?

I dont feel normal. I feel like a real outsider even with the best friends that I have ever had. why is it like this ? I feel awkward even when i`m enjoying myself a bit, and when i try to say something i feel like no one understands or hear me. I feel like a wallpaper.

 

This blog has for sure become my journal , I feel the need to express myself sometimes. This is where that happens. Im currently drunk while writing this by the way. Why did I even mention that? what does that matter ? I can`t be that drunk since i manage to write this with no problems. Okey back to the point of this, I´m so tired of feeling like a wallpaper. The problem is; I dont know how to not be one. Even alcohol does not change that, I dont know what or if I will ever change.

Is this a sign, that i will never figure out life? or is it a sign that i should keep going ?

I´m so tired of trying.

I want to give up, and make it all go away

But at the same time

I feel like pushing through

should I , I should i not ….

everyone make sit seem so easy

to live

Its fucking awful

and beautyful

I cant tell people in real life that I´m tired

I already know what they will say

I dont want to hear it

why

I´m scared

 

 

 

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Happiness #1

Hello reader !

right now I feel useless, numb and tired all the time. In other words I am in desperate need of something that can bring me some happy emotions, but what gives me the happy emotions these days ?

The thing is that my mood is on a constant rollercoaster journeys, I mean proper dancing in the kitchen happy to lying in bed and cant pull up a smile crazy. How did it even get this bad? I recognize a depression when i get it, this is it.  But there is something else, I can´t quite put my finger on what but i know there is. When I´m social, I use all my energy on using all my emotions and words. Which results in me being dead for days after a girls night or a work day. Basically I use all my energy on looking good in front of my friends, but its getting hard even doing that now. that scares me. I have no idea why I´m even writing this down, well yeah I do… Im so bad at expressing myself or telling people about how I feel. I`d rather write about it so i can properly explain it.

where do I go from here ? where do anyone go from clearly depressed to feeling happy? what creates happy feelings in me? a hug from someone who cares? writing? There is an endless list of this processing through my mind every singel day. how can I make myself feel happy so that I can enjoy life a bit more. Cause right now I will admit life it pretty poop. I want to push myself more, brake down my barriers. Why you ask, simple. So that I can be more carefree of others. So I can color my hair in crazy colors that makes me smile again. I think I just told you what I need to do, to make feel the tingles of life again.

So there you have it, my new project!

 

The thing with me is that I always start projects and never finish them, thats my thing. I dont want that to be my thing anymore. I want to be able to feel good about myself , walk in the mall without feeling everyone laughing at me, going to a cafe alone to read or write. Be more independent !

 

 

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

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dear 2017

The year before 2017 has been the worst year so far in my life. not because something bad have happened but because I have come to realize something. You cannot rely on someone else and hope that they will make you a better person or make you happy or at all make a change for yourself that you want. you have to do it on your own. I am in desperate need of a lot of changes in my life, because i cannot keep living like I do, I am longing for something more and better for myself. My mental health need a sort out as well as the rest of my health. But i need a support system as well that want all good for me and dont use me or make fun of me in a bad way behind my back. I need real people who I can talk with and trust. Most important I and everyone else who lives on planet earth needs other humans we can trust, someone to share information and have fun with. a person or a selection of persons that loves you as much as you love them. this is important.  2016 have been a year where I have found out a lot about myself or opened up to find out more about myself… I still love photography, filming and writing even though I tend to sometimes have pauses between every time I decide to take it up again.

structure is important, remember that Sandra. Stay open minded and be the best version of you that you can be. wear the things that you want to wear and feel good in, do the makeup in the colors that you want to and dont let anyone bring you down for it. You only live once and should not let people decide how you live it. you are the master of your own life. take you tablets, drink more water and eat more vegetables! yoga is good for you. school is the most boring thing, you can quit if you want to. But remember that if you do, you really have to find a job that makes you real money. youtube is a great community, if you ever feel sad,lonely or anything along those lines, you know what to do. Dont stop sharing whats on your mind, you feel better afterwards. Read more books. listen to music, it calms you down. Dont say yes when you want to say no. Think before you act. remember the happy moments of 2016 and learn from the bad, unhappy moments of 2016.

2016

2017 please be better then 2016

Happy new year`s to the beautiful soul who actually read all this! I hope 2016 was a better year for you. I send you loads of positivity and love.

xoxo

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